still living

Today has been interesting so far.

For several years now, I've been on some sort of spiritual & personal quest and I seem to be coming to some sort of conclusion. I have recently started combining (zen) buddhist meditation and psychological inquiry as shown by an American teacher, John Welwood and it works really well. It's like some sort of synthesis is happening. Without my knowing it, I've always dreamed of getting back in touch with God or pure Being, but I don't just want to stay there, no, I want to live my life from there, like they do in zen and tantra and sufism. And now Welwood has given me a practical method to do just that. I'm still experimenting with it, but I feel like I'm finally reaching my goal.

But unfortunately I have a serious physical problem that the doctors can't help me with. I'm a HSP (high sensitive person) but I didn't know that, so for years I lived in a way that was much too stressful for my body (and for my heart, mind, soul too!) so it's become totally out of balance. The only thing that seems to help is a kind of reiki, but it's still uncertain if I will be able to completely heal. And I also see how the world around me is going to pieces both socially and ecologically.

So I don't know what will happen, if I still have some sort of future left. The only thing I can do is to continue my path, and pray that I will make it.